85b

i wish i could write a fitting ode
to the sweet man that gave me
my smile back
i never would have thought that an angel
would look like a cowboy with glasses
may my fingertips always
remember your lines, dear one

84b

and i can answer the age old question…
if you knew your greatest love experience
was doomed
from the beginning,
would you even bother to start?
to try for the unreachable?
i peer up and gaze
through red strands all out of place….
yes.
yes, i would.
i reach inside my pocket
to touch the folded map
and step forward with a shoe full of hope

83b

a relationship finished from the beginning – same song, second verse – but i’m still going to love him like i am not going to get hurt.

82b

just enough room in these pages for someone new
someone not typically my type…
as if my type was indicative of a good thing
a boy called wizard that has
intrigued me so
cowboy nerd
calm
collected
mellow
sharp
smiles a lot
all of it too fast
for both of us to grasp
he knows too much -
how to witness my tears
when to acknowledge
how to kiss in a light way
when to say what
and through him -
i have learned how you can miss something you never had

81b

when someone says something out of the blue that i need to hear or reaches out to bring me in, it’s almost like getting a post-it note from god. “dear mandy – i’m watching and i love you.”

80b

i gave your name back over a week ago. i waited for the breakdown after leaving the courthouse.

after arriving home.

after my nap.

but no tears. just blank a week later and nothing. moving on did not seem so awkward after all.

79b

just when i thought things couldn’t get worse – your skanky girlfriend was tacky enough to post a picture of you two together on the internet. and you smiled – like you used to do with me. no decency to wait until the divorce was over.

our polaroids – you made the same face.

and i crashed inside – all over. every insecurity yelling in unison – you lies echoing in my head and chest. no surprise. just confirmation.

and i stared – to see if i could tell what made you prefer the stringy hair and glazed, strung-out eyes over me. no answers. but yet again, i’m not surprised.

78b

the pain came back
just like the cat in the children’s song
and i remembered how it felt
when the truth came out

dizzy

brick in the tummy

spinning memories

fate laughed and made the day of our divorce paperwork
exactly one year from the day
we closed on the house
the juxtaposition of the two
seemed to be too much
crash
down i went
in front of him
after this, there would be
no reason to call
no excuse for contact
tears in four eyes as his thumb
was on my cheek and
fingers in my hair
another long conversation
that lead us to the same place -
nowhere
kiss on my cheek as a souvenir
and the door closed
silence never felt so complete

77b

i miss my cat. he was cool. he was a jerk. and i love him so. i hope he knows that i could not take him with me. but i know he will be okay. i just miss him is all.

76b

saw him two days ago to do some paper work. and it was weird. he looked, sounded, and smelled like a stranger. he started to apologize, but there’s nothing left to say.

actions conflict.

end of story. our story…