0808

do you remember four years ago this day?
did it cross your mind as you lit your morning cigarette
turned on the tv
scratched your scalp

such a contrast

to the hands that pulled me through the white
hands on altar and tears in four eyes
i approached you
and with your first glimpse you whispered
…this is the happiest moment of my life…
so what has that been replaced with?
do the cheap conversations and nerve pulses satisfy so easily?

i know you have forgotten the higher things
and perhaps even the sweet name known only to you
but you still leave me guessing
as to if you remember today

now
eights are just infinity signs
that fell over

21o

every day is a holiday just for us – all tied with a red bow and feeling of smooth possibility. each ache for you coming untied with innocent anxiety. smell the many thoughts of you on my clean skin? see the bright thrill in my eyes dancing from your mutual gaze?

oh, sweet dear – i am yours. in ways i’ve never been anyone’s – closer without touches, even. (here’s a marker for you to write your name on my foot.) bite my lower lip as i pull on my sweater to prepare for the cold…oh my.  emerald shroud conceals the seasons ahead.

i’m not afraid of being alone – i’m just afraid of a reality without you.

18o

i heard that you took her to the state park – our anniversary place where you made love to me under the stars and said you loved me. that i was the sweetest girl you ever knew.

i felt like a flower. (just one week away from being crushed)

do you tell this girl the same things? you brag about her and your love together. does she tell you what you want to hear? smile adoringly at every thought and never question?

patterns and patterns – lies come back.

16o

you breathed multiple “i love yous” into my ear this morning. fingers interlaced and held to your chest like you wanted to tuck me away. everything else ceased and i was swept up in the most amazing sensation of comfort.

yes, yes . . . this is it.

15o

i know i trust him.  i don’t have to ask questions my mind spits out.  i don’t have to hear things i would like him to say.  i don’t lie awake.

i find peace in the quiet.  assurance in his gaze.

there are no worries for unaccounted scenarios.  i’ve surrendered into the safety of knowing that i will never be hurt on his watch.

13o

a while back – you and i had talked on the phone. you heard me in a more broken state than i ever wanted you to hear.

it was a hard august.

you said you were happy. now dating the friend of your mistress. and i can’t blame you – she is beautiful and free and so not me. i knew she was next.

you’ve been working on your music you said. but i knew that. i’m sure it’s great. . . i’ll never criticize your talent. you told me your betrayal was not my fault and apologized for making me feel that way.

you are the picture of moving on.

i wish i could say i’d hoped you had suffered, but those aren’t my cards to deal. you don’t believe in god anymore you said. i told you i was in love. you said i needed to have more confidence in myself. damn – you still know me. you said we should meet up and talk but i said i could not go.

pink rabbit dance

So long and so short at the same time
Memories claimed and burned by pride’s gaze
Emotions are faulty vehicles for a proper goodbye
And I’m left in awkward silence

So much to say but no reason to speak
Underneath the singe remember with a smile
We’ll have that place for you and I
In a land where pink rabbits dance

Fade into experience pressed down by time
Just a step on the ladder of living
Wanted to be the book, a cherished volume
Now broken down into one sentence

If only you could see baby girl now
Not so far off from what was desired
Going, going, gone in violet sunset
All that is left to take is contained in cortex

So much to say but no reason to speak
Underneath the singe remember with a smile
We’ll have that place for you and I
In a land where pink rabbits dance

Youth is an excuse for cowards
I was never afraid until now
Claiming answers on the turnstile of the past
This ticket is getting folded and worn

So much to say but no reason to speak
Underneath the singe remember with a smile
We’ll have that place for you and I
In a land where pink rabbits dance

12o

i’ve been having nightmares lately. and they’re even worse because they are vivid memories of what was happening a year ago to us. deterioration of love and trust. me turning into someone i wasn’t – so full of anxiety. your yelling echoing in my ears when i awake in a sweat – trying to figure out where i am on those mornings.

and i get embarrassed that you still have the ability to hurt me these days.

11o

this is awful…

but for a while,
i wished that my angel cowboy
would have a flaw
or do something to mess this up -

because then,
the hard decisions would not
have to be made…

but he has been perfect
in every way
and
i’ve stopped wishing
for an easy end

9o

willing to trade in

one inch of joy

for one more mile of pain
that will come if this all breaks.
it’s funny how love screws up math.
one plus one equals infinity.
that’s how it goes.