do you remember four years ago this day?
did it cross your mind as you lit your morning cigarette
turned on the tv
scratched your scalp

such a contrast

to the hands that pulled me through the white
hands on altar and tears in four eyes
i approached you
and with your first glimpse you whispered
…this is the happiest moment of my life…
so what has that been replaced with?
do the cheap conversations and nerve pulses satisfy so easily?

i know you have forgotten the higher things
and perhaps even the sweet name known only to you
but you still leave me guessing
as to if you remember today

now
eights are just infinity signs
that fell over

every day is a holiday just for us – all tied with a red bow and feeling of smooth possibility. each ache for you coming untied with innocent anxiety. smell the many thoughts of you on my clean skin? see the bright thrill in my eyes dancing from your mutual gaze?

oh, sweet dear – i am yours. in ways i’ve never been anyone’s – closer without touches, even. (here’s a marker for you to write your name on my foot.) bite my lower lip as i pull on my sweater to prepare for the cold…oh my.  emerald shroud conceals the seasons ahead.

i’m not afraid of being alone – i’m just afraid of a reality without you.

a spider has made its home on the star of my christmas tree this year – his web between the points.  and i think it would be inhospitable and generally out of the seasonal character if i made him relocate at this time.

this year, the innkeeper has room.

texas… where the streets all have at least two names, and you’re lucky if one of them is posted as a sign. full of gentlemen and hard work. the weather changes as often as my mind, and home is only a good meal away.

i heard that you took her to the state park – our anniversary place where you made love to me under the stars and said you loved me. that i was the sweetest girl you ever knew.

i felt like a flower. (just one week away from being crushed)

do you tell this girl the same things? you brag about her and your love together. does she tell you what you want to hear? smile adoringly at every thought and never question?

patterns and patterns – lies come back.

i am a jealous woman.  i hope that one day, i will feel secure and confident -like i won’t have to worry about every woman becoming a threat.  that each flat tummy, tight legs, or flowing hair won’t be a neon sign to my own physical shortcomings.

i know i’m not an ogre, but rather, average.

it’s funny – when you’re average … you don’t have an “average” amount of self confidence -

one-to-one ratios seem to not work when hips are involved.

you breathed multiple “i love yous” into my ear this morning. fingers interlaced and held to your chest like you wanted to tuck me away. everything else ceased and i was swept up in the most amazing sensation of comfort.

yes, yes . . . this is it.

i know i trust him.  i don’t have to ask questions my mind spits out.  i don’t have to hear things i would like him to say.  i don’t lie awake.

i find peace in the quiet.  assurance in his gaze.

there are no worries for unaccounted scenarios.  i’ve surrendered into the safety of knowing that i will never be hurt on his watch.

i am becoming anti social in my older state.  i hate making small talk in the morning on the elevator with strangers.

a while back – you and i had talked on the phone. you heard me in a more broken state than i ever wanted you to hear.

it was a hard august.

you said you were happy. now dating the friend of your mistress. and i can’t blame you – she is beautiful and free and so not me. i knew she was next.

you’ve been working on your music you said. but i knew that. i’m sure it’s great. . . i’ll never criticize your talent. you told me your betrayal was not my fault and apologized for making me feel that way.

you are the picture of moving on.

i wish i could say i’d hoped you had suffered, but those aren’t my cards to deal. you don’t believe in god anymore you said. i told you i was in love. you said i needed to have more confidence in myself. damn – you still know me. you said we should meet up and talk but i said i could not go.